Holy Flying Monkeys

SNITCH ON WERNER HOTLINE

Hi. My name is Larry. I drive a truck.
All the stories on this page are true.

WARNING: Material contained in this site may be graphic in nature   

Make sure to read about the crappy training I received at Werner Enterprises. 
Sadly, this is a true story but feel free to laugh at my expense!
Here is a picture of  Werner Drivers kicking back in the new, state or the art drivers lounge in Fontana, CA.  And here are two of Werner's finest mechanics on  break outside of the Phoenix terminal. Ah, yes. Only the best here at Werner Enterprises.

Shanghaied by Werner?

Back in the mid 1800's if you had a pulse  and you were in a  town with a harbor
like Portland, OR. and Seattle, WA., you were at risk of being Shanghaied .
A shortage of men existed because of the Gold Rush and a peculiar form of lowlife
evolved  taking the shape of  a "crimp".  A crimp was an unscrupulous boarding master that got paid "by the body" to fill the ranks of a ship. Whether by trickery, by lying, by drugging or by violence, once the sailor was conscripted into service it was illegal to abandon ship under the threat of prison.

Fast forward 250 years.

Now, if you have a pulse and you have the telephone number of a Werner recruiter  you are at risk of being Shanghaied by Werner Enterprises. A shortage of drivers exists because Werner sucks, and a new form of lowlife has evolved taking the shape of a recruiter. A modern mutation of the old time crimp, the Werner recruiter is also paid by the body and will stop at nothing short of violence in order to trick you into the company. They are an equally unscrupulous lot, devoid of any moral or ethical values whatsoever . Having recently climbed out from  under one of Satan's turds in a steaming pit at the bottom of Hell's sewer, it is my understanding that they begin to lie even before they are finished licking the maggot speckled sewage from their lips! There is absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind that if a Werner recruiter could get away with it, he would slip you a spiked drink or hit you over the head, sign your name to a contract and you would wake up in Portland, Oregon at an orientation. As an odd twist of fate, Portland, Oregon was the city that hosted the terminal where my orientation occurred. That's right!  The same Portland that still has underground tunnels which were used to transport unconscious sailors from the bars to their new careers on board ships. Same doggone situation , same doggone place, 250 YEARS LATER!
An old French proverb fittingly coined in the 1800's stated: "Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose."  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Although it's legal now to leave, once you finish the ungodly long '"training" period at $325.00 a week, your house payment is overdue, your wife is gone and your dog is dead. Only at the point of this virtual sword does the lowest pay in the industry (.24 cents a mile)  become begrudgingly palatable.  Instead of sending you to prison for leaving, you are "sentenced" to an indefinite term at the Werner Correctional Institute for Wayward Drivers.  Welcome to "The Rock", boy!  You got nothing coming. Oh, there's more. You're new cell mate's name is Big Bubba Werner and he is about to have his way with you the whole rest of the time you are here, like it or not!  "What!" you say? "I would just leave". Well, that sounds nice in theory. In real life you now find that NONE of those other nice companies that gave you those pre-hires will even touch you. In fact, no one will touch you because if you quit before a years time, your work history is ruined. Don't believe me? Just try!  They all treat you like you have leprosy. "Stay for a year and we MIGHT reconsider your application" will become a familiar statement. So there you are. Stuck in the Werner Correctional Institution for New Guys getting worked over in more ways than one by Big Bubba.  If you attempt to escape before Bubba is through with you, Werner often will kill your budding career on the spot via a false entry into a permanent file called  the DAC report, effectively blackballing you for life in the trucking industry.

Here is an interesting point: Websters definition of Shanghaied follows.

2: to put by trickery into an undesirable position

 By definition, most drivers are Shanghaied by Werner!!

 
 Is Werner guilty of shanghaiing? Let's examine the law:
 US CODE:Title 18 Part 1 Chapter 107 § 2194 follows:

 § 2194. Shanghaiing sailors

Whoever, with intent that any person shall perform service or labor of any kind on board of any vessel engaged in trade and commerce among the several States  or with foreign nations, or on board of any vessel of the United States engaged in navigating the high seas or any navigable water of the United States, procures or induces, or attempts to procure or induce, another, by force or threats or by representations which he knows or believes to be untrue, or while the person so procured or induced is intoxicated or under the influence of any drug, to go on board of any such vessel, or to sign or in anywise enter into any agreement to go on board of any such vessel to perform service or labor thereon; or Whoever knowingly detains on board of any such vessel any person so procured or induced to go on board, or to enter into any agreement to go on board, by any means herein defined— Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than one year, or both.  (Emphasis added)

"any vessel engaged in trade and commerce among the several States"
Like an interstate, OTR van?

"or by representations which he knows or believes to be untrue"
Like a recruiters typical lies?

It is my understanding that if any Werner truck EVER took a ferry across a navigable waterway that Werner is in fact subject to Maritime law and may be subject to US Code Title 18 as quoted above!
Whether or not Werner is guilty of the letter of the law is moot. They are most certainly guilty of the SPIRIT of the law, which was enacted as a remedy to address the suffrage of common seaman at the hands of greedy and deceitful ship owners.
 If it is wrong to shanghai sailors by lying, is is equally  wrong to shanghai drivers by lying. Period. End of story. It has already been decided by THE LAW!

Therefor, If guilty I call for CL Werner to be hoisted from the yard arm like the scurvy dog that he is . And then, for extra measure I think he should be made to dress like a girl, tarred then feathered, burned at the stake, flogged, keelhauled,  drawn and quartered, humiliated by a hairy 300lb transvestite in leather underwear, tattooed then forced to ride a Greyhound bus from San Francisco all the way back to Omaha in the back seat by the bathroom.  Harrrr Mate!
But, having said that in jest I would settle for a conviction and a $1,000 fine or at the very least a public apology.

If you feel that you have been Shanghaied by Werner, contact your Congressman Make sure to cite US CODE: Title 18 as listed above. Together we can make a difference.

Those of you who work at Werner might recognize this mug. While in perpetual  hell waiting for my truck to be repaired by The Three Stooges gang of retards at the Phoenix terminal, I met John Wayne Gacy's doppleganger twin. The resemblance was uncanny. Extremely long winded, I fell asleep during one of his 45 min stories. When I awoke, he was still droning on and on and had reached the part of the story where he was stepping out of his truck while trying to hold in a fart and was then struck by lightning which exited through his anus. He suddenly had my full attention. I had to ask. "Let me get this straight" I said. "When you farted, lightning shot out of your @${?" "Well, yes I guess you could put it that way." He was quite indignant that I found humor in his having farted a bolt of lightning, but I was out of control with spasms of laughter. It was a downward spiral. The more I laughed, the more indignant he got, which of course made me laugh even harder. "It's NOT funny!" he insisted. Finally other drivers in the drivers lounge began to wake up from their layover induced stupor. The news began to spread like  wildfire and soon everyone was laughing as hard as I was. Thankfully, John Wayne Gacy cracked a smile, having succumbed to  peer pressure and contagious laughter.  And that, kids, is how I was saved from a certain death at the hands of  famous serial killer John Wayne Gacy Jr.

The funniest part of this story is that it is the absolute, God's honest truth. The lightning struck trucker looks EXACTLY like the above mug shot except the driver wears  glasses and is actually a nice guy. Unbelievable. But true.